Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
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Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this