Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
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Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?