When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
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Millennial weddings be like “what do you mean you have to go home already? We’ve only been screaming Fall Out Boy songs at each other for four hours and the midnight pizza isn’t even here yet. You’re going to miss the sparkler exit!”
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said