me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
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My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
Oh the things that I’d do* to that man
*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.