Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
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Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
The 6 types of sex
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.