I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
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I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
Pringles
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.