Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
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I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh