Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
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Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
What?!?
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
Feels
Möther may I have a snäck
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.