Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
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Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
If you know, you know
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.