One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
You Might Also Like
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*