Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
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A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
Why soy sad?
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?