My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
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“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
Thrilling chase underway
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building