The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
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Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway