BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
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getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
subtitles are so good nowadays
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Every. Damn. Time.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.