My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
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I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?