Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
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It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
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What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering