(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
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You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
Alexa: *deep breath*
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.