Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
You Might Also Like
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
I’m just playing devils avocado here
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.