I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
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Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.