I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
You Might Also Like
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!