I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
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Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong