It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
You Might Also Like
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
Day 2 of my diet
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size