You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
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The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
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It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
I never needed anything more in my life
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.