told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
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medusa but her hair is an anaconda
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
He’s cranky this morning
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”