I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
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i will avenge u mr van gogh
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*