Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
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Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me: