9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
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Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
12. I think about this all the damn time
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
you will never know the true number of layers
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while