I would give up shouting at trees for you.
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a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.