Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
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Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.