#DesignFail
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Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”