Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
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My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.