Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
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I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
🤣
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
Pikachu found the lost joint
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
my sentiments exactly
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score