Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
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my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
Squirrels before girls.
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
Happy birthday to all the women
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”