[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
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[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.