Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
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“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.