I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
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captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.