My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
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Monica just destroyed the internet
Bruh PLEASE
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet