Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
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[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
Warm pools make me nervous.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
monday
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*