Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
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A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank