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my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
Dance like you’re not the father
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.