[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
You Might Also Like
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!