me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
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Squirrel having fun.. 😅
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
unbelievably distressed by this ad
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”