[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
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Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?