once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
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Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
Netflix and you sit over there.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.