I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
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The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys