7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
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*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.