My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
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*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub