I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
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The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.