You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
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Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.