I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
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Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Whoa 😂
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Care for your back
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
But I really needed water water water
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf